Isolation

Have you ever wished for death as a temporary reprieve from the chaos of your life?

Just a few moments of rest in the whirlwind, but even that's a Catch 22. Staying busy is completely physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting, but moments of silence are too painful, too raw...too real.

If there was ever a day that would cause someone to start back smoking, today was that day. Everything going wrong, but not wrong enough to warrant an emotional breakdown. Feeling close to one, anyway, and not feeling like an explanation to anyone would make any kind of sense. Instead, I end up in my office, crying, alone, because I don't want to bring anyone else down into my dark place.

Feeling isolated is something I've struggled with for most of my life. I've kinda always felt like I never really fit anywhere I was or, to an extent, with the people who were there. (*Don't get me wrong...I do count myself as an exceptionally lucky person that I've been able to take the people who do accept me unconditionally from those places that at one point or another were pretty unbearable & still carry them with me in life after those places.*) In fact, when it's gotten really bad, I've run from every single one. High school to college, college to grad school, grad school to New York and New York to North Carolina. Here is the first place I've felt like I fit more often than not since we've been here. But here is not without those moments. There are days that I go into work, and most of the time, I like to be social with my co-workers who are also my friends, like most people there, but some days (like today) I just feel like I don't quite fit where I feel like I should. Days like today make me wonder if the reason I feel isolated is because of other people or because of me.

I want time off...I need time away from all the busyness of work life, but at the same time, I don't know that it's exactly a good thing for me to be alone with my thoughts, either. I need a vacation from my own life.

I would also like to apologize to several facebook friends who have sent messages over the past few weeks & months. Most of the time, I stay ridiculously busy, and when I'm not busy, I won't lie...I'm in a pretty dark place. I do, however, plan to respond to everyone's messages at some point...eventually.

Another blog to follow tomorrow...