Where do I even begin?
Went to therapy this week, told her about the day that both James and I had last week. She thought it was a big step and a necessary one on the road to healing and growing. I started telling her about this week...how a lot of nights, right before I go to bed, vivid memories of that night come to me, and in an effort to fight them back, I stay up later and try to think of more pleasant things because I sure as hell don't want that to be my last thought before going to sleep. She told me that it sounded like I was getting ready to enter the hardest stage of dealing with grief...the search for meaning and closure and being able to somewhat let go. She said that I had established healthy coping skills and a strong support system for getting through the initial part of the 5 stages, and I had been able to somewhat hold the memories, and the deeper feelings associated with those, at bay. But that now, the more I tried to fight them, the more they were going to break through and make it even harder and more painful to deal with. She suggested writing down all the details from that night, everything I remember, as a means to letting it go. Definitely not a bad idea.
I had a close friend take that one step further and say that not only did I need to write it down, but that I should be completely honest, no holds barred, and write it down with the intent for no one else to see it but me.
Real, true, raw honesty...
I'm not even sure I know what that looks like anymore.
Even here, where I feel is a safer place than, say, facebook or myspace or another more public site, to express what I'm feeling, I still couldn't honestly say that I let out everything I'm feeling on here. I type something, and I read it, and I think of all the people who are aware of this blog who might read it, and I either erase it, or I make it sound nicer and more diplomatic. Logic might tend to say that if I need a place to unleash my innermost thoughts, just make this private, but I don't think I can do that, either. I need feedback and validation from friends that, even though I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and on a train that's quickly leading to a mental and emotional breakdown, I'm not crazy for feeling what I'm feeling or thinking what I'm thinking.
And here comes the raw honesty part...
This friend also said that I needed to get to the point where I stopped viewing my reactions to feelings as being strong vs. weak. That I don't need to view crying and breaking down as being weak, that I was spending energy I don't have on trying to keep up a strong facade and that I need to just let that go.
But can I really do that?
As I've written in previous blogs, there are a few amazing people I work with who have been (and continue to be) supportive and encouraging and protective. For the most part, though, especially now that the initial part of everything has come and gone, I feel like I shouldn't break down...I shouldn't cry...or maybe that I just shouldn't let people see that. I feel, even moreso now, that for the majority of the people I work with, I have to keep that facade up. Because if I don't, they don't know what to do, how to fix it, how to make it better. They don't know how to deal with me. And I hate feeling like I'm something to be dealt with. I hate feeling like I, &/or what I'm going through is a burden to someone else. And I've seen it happen right in front of my eyes...someone stops by the office to ask me how I'm doing or how things are going, their eyes and face bright with positivity, and at first, I would answer honestly, thinking that since everything had happened, they wanted an honest answer. Then I started noticing that people's eyes and faces would just fall, and I refuse to be the downer for someone else's day. So, now it's just easier if I just smile a smile that never quite reaches my eyes and tell them I'm fine, doing okay, hanging in there, etc. It's not like I can just avoid these people, either. I don't really have a choice but to see them and interact with them on a daily basis.
So, what do I do?
I can't really let the facade go, and I can't time the breakdowns I'm going to have with when I'm close enough to my office to dash in and allow the tears to fall.
I need a solution...because holding everything in until I leave work to come home and crying my eyes out on the way home every day isn't it.
Since you said you want feedback and validation...
ReplyDeleteI had a co-worker whose daughter was killed five years ago in a terrible sledding accident. He watched it happen, and was powerless to stop it. The next year, I was at a ski competition with a totally unrelated friend, and noticed that the race had been named in honor of this man's daughter, who was an accomplished skier. I mentioned it to my boss, who said he thought it would really mean a lot to my coworker if I mentioned it to him.
So I did, and sitting right in front of me (and I really did NOT know him that well, so I know he must have felt that it was awkward), he teared up a little. And even though it was awkward, it meant a lot to me that he was so open.
Remember when you are holding up that facade that these people are reaching out to you because they care for you, and they are asking because they know that you aren't done grieving yet. I didn't expect my coworker to smile and say, "Yes, isn't that nice?" I expected it to be a little weird. And that was ok, because it validated his daughter's life. When they talk to you, they are validating your son's life. So don't feel like you have to fake it for them. They don't expect you to. (And the ones that do will stop asking pretty quickly because they can't stand the awkwardness.)
None of them wants to add to your burden, and you already have a heavy one. But they do want to surround and support you. So, if it helps, take a deep breath and try to be real - gracious, but real. They know you are grieving, and they want to love you through it. I suspect you'll find that these people - and their love - are stronger than you've imagined.
P.S. They may not know how to react at first, but experience is a great teacher, and it will get better with time. And when it is awkward, remember this: you are the one grieving. They'll get by. You don't have to save the world today, sweetheart. But you do have to survive it.
I wish I was there to buy you coffee and give you a free reign for tears. I miss you.