So, earlier today, I had this whole angst-ridden, emotionally charged post writing itself in my head, but going to a beer tasting and spending some quality time with James makes it kinda difficult to hold on to the original feeling that was fueling this.
Then again, sometimes it's easier than I realize to get back there.
The part I hate the most about all of this are the moments and the days that just completely blindside you.
Every month, at least for the first year, I already know the 28th and the 4th after it will suck. Just a fact of life right now. Those I understand.
When women talk about their pregnancies or their babies or their children or about trying to have another child, of course that's immediately where my mind goes. Just another fact, and those I understand.
But, it's the moments you don't see coming. The dates that don't have any significance in the grand scheme of things, and the thoughts and memories that seem to come out of nowhere. Those are the ones that totally and completely kick my ass. Because, to me, there has a be a reason for things and what makes them happen, cause and effect...you can't have the effect without the cause.
It really would be so much easier if you could see those moments coming. If you could see the bad days, the hard moments, the tragedy, the heartache, because at least then, you'd have an opportunity to prepare yourself for it...put your crash helmet on.
Needless to say, today was one of those days. When I got to work this morning, I could already feel myself pulling away from the people I'm the closest to. At first, I wondered why I was doing that, and then I found the quote on my facebook page: "A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the fake smile."
Oh, yeah...that's why...
On days like this, I tend to go back and forth between 2 sides... I either want to be around other people as a distraction, or I want to be by myself. It's so much easier to try and hide the pain behind the fake smile to people who don't know you, but it's the people who really know you who will come up and question the pain behind your eyes. And, I don't kid myself...I know that as much as I would sometimes like to believe otherwise, I'm no mystery, and I kind of suck as an actress when I'm trying to hide my emotions. To those who know me, I'm pretty much an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
As much as days like this suck, though, on occasion, life sends a person (or people) who crosses your path and says just the right thing at just the right time.
*In updated life news, so far, it's been 4 days without a cigarette and 4 days that James has been home in the evenings. And no bloodshed or desires to kill anyone...yet...*
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