One year ago today, the pregnancy test turned positive, and our lives were turned upside down.
"In diapers, report cards, in spoked wheels, in speeding tickets, in contracts, dollars, in funerals, in births..525,600 minutes, how do YOU measure a year on Earth?"
A year ago...some days, it feels like it's flown by, and others, it feels like 10 years have passed in the span of 1.
Today started out tearful but ended up being SO much better than yesterday was. Amazing what can turn the day around to something more positive. In all honesty, the days leading up to significant dates are usually more emotionally taxing than the actual day itself.
Something else I struggle with (and struggled with long before all this ever happened) is being extremely hard on myself. I embody the phrase: "My own worst critic." When other people are upset and/or crying, I have no problem with that, but when it's myself, I view it as showing weakness. I feel weak and vulnerable when I cry, and because of that, there are actually very few people in this world who I let see that side of me. It starts off as something making me upset, then I go through the analysis of whether or not what happened warrants me really being upset. If it feels like something petty, I berate myself for getting upset in the first place, which only makes me more upset, and here starts the whole cycle again which becomes a downward spiral. These past 3 months have only brought that out more and more.
Some days I feel like I'm wallowing and having a pity party, and others, I feel like I'm not sad enough.
A beyond wonderful friend of mine suggested last night that rather than mark the significant dates as how many months it's been since his birth & death, instead look at it as "how far have I come in X number of months?" It's an excellent idea, and I think I'll start that this coming Saturday. For the rest of today, though, I think I'll allow myself to remember and be sad and remind myself that I don't always have to be the strong one.
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