Fixed

I feel like some of my days are almost bipolar in nature...extreme highs and lows...if the day sucks, there's a good chance the evening will be good. If the day's good, there's a good chance the evening will suck.

Today has been one of those days.

Had a conversation with a co-worker this morning about our department and the changes people are trying to bring about, and we touched on the topic of feeling appreciated. It is my deep seated belief that, while I don't think anyone in the department needs to be petted or praised constantly, per se, people who pour a lot of energy and heart and soul into their jobs need to have that energy replenished somehow. They have to know that what they're doing makes a difference, that they're appreciated. However, if the focus is on what's going wrong and what they're doing wrong without having anything positive to counterbalance that, what you end up having is a lot of bitter, resentful employees. And, I know that if any of us are coming to work expecting for...certain...other...disciplines or for upper management to understand or appreciate what we do, we're all going to leave disappointed and pissed off every single day. I really think we take for granted that everyone in our department knows that the other people appreciate them, supervisors included.

For me, the patients I work with are about 90% of why I haven't gone to another job. Today, I had one patient tell me that I was doing a great job, and he was glad I was working there. I could have cried, it touched my heart so much.

That...was the bright point of the day...

I really should've learned my lesson by now. Every situation like this, I walk out of pissed off at myself because I know better. I know there are people you can talk to who will genuinely listen, and I know there are people who will start off acting like they're listening to you, but then it either starts to turn to wanting to fix it or an entirely different focus than what the original topic was in the first place.

I am not in a good place...to the people who really know me and support me, there's no use in even trying to pretend I'm in a good place. I can say that, for the most part, I'm in a better place than I was 3 months ago, but it's still not a good place. I know this is a hard thing for other people to handle or for other people to know how to handle. I know that people who I used to be close friends with can't necessarily provide me with what I need right now. I also know that I don't have the strength or the energy to put into making things easier for other people. I can be selfish, just like everyone can, but I feel like I've spent a good portion of my life being the strong one and the listener and the supporter for other people. I've smiled, and I've been tolerant, and I've been patient, and I just don't have it in me to focus on being sensitive to how hard this is for everyone else.

I'm not unfixable, but this also isn't going to be anywhere close to a quick fix. All I really need, most of the time, is for someone to be willing to listen and tell me I'm not crazy for thinking what I'm thinking or feeling what I'm feeling*. Is that really such a hard thing to do?

*For everyone who already does this, I love you and thank you...you all are the reason that any part of my sanity is still intact.