On Edge

And here's the unresolved anger part of grieving...

I feel like it's a constant day in and day out effort to not let my anger spill over onto unsuspecting people. Part of the book I just got finished reading (On Grief and Grieving) talks about being so emotionally overwhelmed and raw that your emotions start spilling over into other situations and interactions with people on a day-to-day basis. For the most part, I consider myself to be a person who has always kept most of my emotions in check. When something happens that upsets me, rather than go with my first knee-jerk reaction, I run through questions in my mind, i.e., is there something else that's coloring my reaction? Am I overly tired? Am I PMSing? Then if the answer to all of those is 'no,' I move forward with my rational anger at the situation/occurrence.

Admittedly, it's a little harder to do with this...

I picked up smoking (temporarily) again on the day that all of this happened. What was supposed to have lasted until I went back to work is now carrying over to a week from today. James has very graciously understood and allowed me to keep this vice until he switches to day shift. And, I have to say that in my worst moments, it helps take the edge off and makes me feel more in control of my emotions, or at least, where they're directed.

Yep, that's right...I said it...I'm smoking again.

Judge me for it...I dare you...

I went to counseling today, and it allowed me to give a voice and direction to my anger and everything I'm angry at and about, no matter how irrational it may be. Another thing she pointed out to me is that most people in my life represent the idea that life should be moving on by now, that we (I) should be doing better, that things should've started getting back to normal. The incredible group of supportive people who surround me, though, seem to understand that no matter how okay I may seem at times during the day, that I'm still allowed those low moments to express what I'm feeling or cry or scream or be by myself, whatever I need, no questions asked and no judgements cast. So, because I have support from awesome people, I have come to regard that as the norm, and the others as being insensitive, when really, the others are the norm, and the supportive people are the amazing and extraordinary.