From the most unlikely people and places

2 months tomorrow...and it falls on my birthday. For the first time in years, I dread my birthday. For the people who won't understand why my birthday is so hard to get through, and for the people who won't remember what the date signifies.

I know that, in reality, people can only handle and deal with emotionally what they can, but most of the time, it feels like the people I thought would be there and provide an unending wave of support are the same people who would rather avoid me. For many people, I feel like I'm something to be dealt with, something to fix, and right now, I can't be either. It's not healthy to hold back emotions, and I hold very much that the world would be a much happier and emotionally healthy place if we all allowed ourselves to feel what we're feeling in the moment, rather than pushing it back because it's too hard to deal with or even because we don't feel like we're in a place or around people with whom we can express those feelings.

Why are we so afraid of letting ourselves feel things? Even the negative things? Don't get me wrong, positivity and positive thinking are both good things, but as a former patient once pointed out to me, you have to be in a place where you're ready to start accepting those positive thoughts first. Otherwise, they're annoying and empty words and do you no good.

In this whole situation, there have been people who know me better than I know myself who will probably know and understand the smallest of triggers and the emotional chain of events that follows those, no matter when they happen. But I have to say that, here, there has been the most outpouring of love and support from people I didn't really even talk to all that much before this happened. They are the ones who understand that I and this can't be fixed. They are the ones who understand that the smallest of things can trigger me to go from happy and okay to sad to bitchy in a matter of moments. They are the ones who will allow me to cry and be mad and feel what I'm feeling without judgement and without trying to make me see "the bright side," whatever that may be in all of this. For those people, "Thank You," is not enough...