6 months

In a few short hours, it will mark the 6 month date of when we lost Baby Will. My therapist told me a few visits ago that she had heard that it's something about the 6 month anniversary of a loss that seems to be the first hardest milestone to get through.

She wasn't lying...I've most definitely been bitchier this week, and it doesn't help that I'm PMSing, either.

One of mine & James' shows is Hell's Kitchen, comes on Wednesday nights. This past Wednesday night, it was at the end, and Chef Ramsay was getting ready to eliminate one of the final four. As it seemed he was getting ready to, he instead surprised the final four with family members and friends who were in town for a visit. The last family to come in was a husband with his infant son...maybe around 7-8 months or so...around the same age Will would be. I watched, and I just cried and cried and cried. Right now, thinking about all the women who had children within the same few months after Will was born is the hardest part. All the milestones they're getting to watch...rolling over, crawling, walking, first words...we never get to have those with him. We never get to have those with him, and it kills me to think about it.

My therapist told me at my last visit that she would identify the emotion that's at the forefront of my thinking to be jealousy. And, she's right...I would never ever wish this on anyone, but I am so beyond jealous about all the things that other mothers get to experience right now that I should be, and I'm not. And I hate it, and it's not fair, and there's nothing that can make it okay...and I think I hate that piece the most.


Did I mention that the PMS part REALLY doesn't help things?


I was sad earlier this evening because I tried earlier today to remember that feeling of holding him close and cuddling him while I sat on the couch after work, and I couldn't remember it. I couldn't recall that feeling. Now, as I sit here, that feeling almost suffocates me. And this certainly isn't how I'm doing most of the time, but tonight, it is. Tonight, my heart aches, and I miss my son.

Always & forever, baby boy...<3