I almost hesitate to write this, and if it wasn't for the need to get all of this out of my head and out in writing, whether that be actual or electronic writing, I probably wouldn't. I guess it all depends on who actually reads this, and I'm taking a chance on who does and who doesn't.
I learned back in college that it's not always the best idea to honestly express yourself through venues like blogs, facebook, livejournal, opendiary, etc. because nothing is private and almost nothing is truly anonymous online. I must admit, though, that as much as I detest confrontation, there's a part of me that wants the people this concerns to read it...almost...
At least I'll keep names out of this...
To you...it recently hit me where things started to separate where our friendship is concerned, or where I felt they started to separate. A few days, a week, 2 weeks after I came back to work, I received a text from you telling me that you were available to listen, but you were giving me my space. At the time, I respected that, and I understood, but that started to bother me in a way that I didn't have the words or explanations to express at the time. I understand that I'm not good at asking people for what I need. This situation has, unfortunately, not changed that. However, in understanding that about myself, the absolute last thing I ended up needing was space. All that did was make me feel even more alone and isolated than I already felt.
What I needed were the people who surrounded me with love and support, who said, “We don’t know what to do or what to say, but we can listen, and we can be there, and we can give you love, and we aren’t going to leave you feeling isolated and alone.” The sad part of this, of course, is that the damage has been done, and it can’t be undone, & it can’t be taken back. We’ll continue to speak and be polite, talk about shallow subjects, like work and the weather, but it’ll never again be like it was before all this happened.
And to you...yesterday morning, you came in and started to read the piece I had written with quotes from C.S. Lewis’s “A Grief Observed.” I cringed the whole time, because I feel that at some point, the elephant in the room will have to be addressed. I know that at some point, the fact that I spend more time with some people instead of others will come up. And, I know that when it does, I will have no choice but to tell you that the reason I’m with them so much is because they didn’t leave me feeling abandoned and isolated and left alone. Hell, at this point, I almost feel like saying the wrong thing would be preferable over saying nothing, preferable over overlooking it and wanting to deny or forget that it ever happened.
Halfway through reading, you turned, and I explained that I had written it right after everything happened and printed it out because I needed to remember, and because I felt it was one of the better pieces I had written. You read for a few more moments, then said, “I’m not in the right headspace for this right now," and walked away. The incredibly selfish, bitchy part of me wanted to look at you and say, “I wish it was that easy for me. 'I'm not in the right headspace for this right now, so I’ll just walk away'.” If I could take a picture of a moment that illustrates why I feel the way I've felt when I'm around you...or you...or you, it would be that moment.
The dust has begun to settle, and as it continues to, I don't know...I hate to be that person who writes people off as real friends because this wasn't in the realm of situations they were capable of handling...but what choice do I really have? Loyalty speaks volumes in my life. In my darkest moments, when I needed people to be there the most, I know who was there, who fell off along the way and who wasn't anywhere close to begin with.
