Fixed

I feel like some of my days are almost bipolar in nature...extreme highs and lows...if the day sucks, there's a good chance the evening will be good. If the day's good, there's a good chance the evening will suck.

Today has been one of those days.

Had a conversation with a co-worker this morning about our department and the changes people are trying to bring about, and we touched on the topic of feeling appreciated. It is my deep seated belief that, while I don't think anyone in the department needs to be petted or praised constantly, per se, people who pour a lot of energy and heart and soul into their jobs need to have that energy replenished somehow. They have to know that what they're doing makes a difference, that they're appreciated. However, if the focus is on what's going wrong and what they're doing wrong without having anything positive to counterbalance that, what you end up having is a lot of bitter, resentful employees. And, I know that if any of us are coming to work expecting for...certain...other...disciplines or for upper management to understand or appreciate what we do, we're all going to leave disappointed and pissed off every single day. I really think we take for granted that everyone in our department knows that the other people appreciate them, supervisors included.

For me, the patients I work with are about 90% of why I haven't gone to another job. Today, I had one patient tell me that I was doing a great job, and he was glad I was working there. I could have cried, it touched my heart so much.

That...was the bright point of the day...

I really should've learned my lesson by now. Every situation like this, I walk out of pissed off at myself because I know better. I know there are people you can talk to who will genuinely listen, and I know there are people who will start off acting like they're listening to you, but then it either starts to turn to wanting to fix it or an entirely different focus than what the original topic was in the first place.

I am not in a good place...to the people who really know me and support me, there's no use in even trying to pretend I'm in a good place. I can say that, for the most part, I'm in a better place than I was 3 months ago, but it's still not a good place. I know this is a hard thing for other people to handle or for other people to know how to handle. I know that people who I used to be close friends with can't necessarily provide me with what I need right now. I also know that I don't have the strength or the energy to put into making things easier for other people. I can be selfish, just like everyone can, but I feel like I've spent a good portion of my life being the strong one and the listener and the supporter for other people. I've smiled, and I've been tolerant, and I've been patient, and I just don't have it in me to focus on being sensitive to how hard this is for everyone else.

I'm not unfixable, but this also isn't going to be anywhere close to a quick fix. All I really need, most of the time, is for someone to be willing to listen and tell me I'm not crazy for thinking what I'm thinking or feeling what I'm feeling*. Is that really such a hard thing to do?

*For everyone who already does this, I love you and thank you...you all are the reason that any part of my sanity is still intact.

Raw

Where do I even begin?

Went to therapy this week, told her about the day that both James and I had last week. She thought it was a big step and a necessary one on the road to healing and growing. I started telling her about this week...how a lot of nights, right before I go to bed, vivid memories of that night come to me, and in an effort to fight them back, I stay up later and try to think of more pleasant things because I sure as hell don't want that to be my last thought before going to sleep. She told me that it sounded like I was getting ready to enter the hardest stage of dealing with grief...the search for meaning and closure and being able to somewhat let go. She said that I had established healthy coping skills and a strong support system for getting through the initial part of the 5 stages, and I had been able to somewhat hold the memories, and the deeper feelings associated with those, at bay. But that now, the more I tried to fight them, the more they were going to break through and make it even harder and more painful to deal with. She suggested writing down all the details from that night, everything I remember, as a means to letting it go. Definitely not a bad idea.

I had a close friend take that one step further and say that not only did I need to write it down, but that I should be completely honest, no holds barred, and write it down with the intent for no one else to see it but me.

Real, true, raw honesty...

I'm not even sure I know what that looks like anymore.

Even here, where I feel is a safer place than, say, facebook or myspace or another more public site, to express what I'm feeling, I still couldn't honestly say that I let out everything I'm feeling on here. I type something, and I read it, and I think of all the people who are aware of this blog who might read it, and I either erase it, or I make it sound nicer and more diplomatic. Logic might tend to say that if I need a place to unleash my innermost thoughts, just make this private, but I don't think I can do that, either. I need feedback and validation from friends that, even though I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and on a train that's quickly leading to a mental and emotional breakdown, I'm not crazy for feeling what I'm feeling or thinking what I'm thinking.

And here comes the raw honesty part...

This friend also said that I needed to get to the point where I stopped viewing my reactions to feelings as being strong vs. weak. That I don't need to view crying and breaking down as being weak, that I was spending energy I don't have on trying to keep up a strong facade and that I need to just let that go.

But can I really do that?

As I've written in previous blogs, there are a few amazing people I work with who have been (and continue to be) supportive and encouraging and protective. For the most part, though, especially now that the initial part of everything has come and gone, I feel like I shouldn't break down...I shouldn't cry...or maybe that I just shouldn't let people see that. I feel, even moreso now, that for the majority of the people I work with, I have to keep that facade up. Because if I don't, they don't know what to do, how to fix it, how to make it better. They don't know how to deal with me. And I hate feeling like I'm something to be dealt with. I hate feeling like I, &/or what I'm going through is a burden to someone else. And I've seen it happen right in front of my eyes...someone stops by the office to ask me how I'm doing or how things are going, their eyes and face bright with positivity, and at first, I would answer honestly, thinking that since everything had happened, they wanted an honest answer. Then I started noticing that people's eyes and faces would just fall, and I refuse to be the downer for someone else's day. So, now it's just easier if I just smile a smile that never quite reaches my eyes and tell them I'm fine, doing okay, hanging in there, etc. It's not like I can just avoid these people, either. I don't really have a choice but to see them and interact with them on a daily basis. 


So, what do I do?


I can't really let the facade go, and I can't time the breakdowns I'm going to have with when I'm close enough to my office to dash in and allow the tears to fall. 


I need a solution...because holding everything in until I leave work to come home and crying my eyes out on the way home every day isn't it.

525,600 Minutes...

One year ago today, the pregnancy test turned positive, and our lives were turned upside down.

"In diapers, report cards, in spoked wheels, in speeding tickets, in contracts, dollars, in funerals, in births..525,600 minutes, how do YOU measure a year on Earth?"

A year ago...some days, it feels like it's flown by, and others, it feels like 10 years have passed in the span of 1.

Today started out tearful but ended up being SO much better than yesterday was. Amazing what can turn the day around to something more positive. In all honesty, the days leading up to significant dates are usually more emotionally taxing than the actual day itself.

Something else I struggle with (and struggled with long before all this ever happened) is being extremely hard on myself. I embody the phrase: "My own worst critic." When other people are upset and/or crying, I have no problem with that, but when it's myself, I view it as showing weakness. I feel weak and vulnerable when I cry, and because of that, there are actually very few people in this world who I let see that side of me. It starts off as something making me upset, then I go through the analysis of whether or not what happened warrants me really being upset. If it feels like something petty, I berate myself for getting upset in the first place, which only makes me more upset, and here starts the whole cycle again which becomes a downward spiral. These past 3 months have only brought that out more and more.

Some days I feel like I'm wallowing and having a pity party, and others, I feel like I'm not sad enough.

A beyond wonderful friend of mine suggested last night that rather than mark the significant dates as how many months it's been since his birth & death, instead look at it as "how far have I come in X number of months?" It's an excellent idea, and I think I'll start that this coming Saturday. For the rest of today, though, I think I'll allow myself to remember and be sad and remind myself that I don't always have to be the strong one.

Isolation

Have you ever wished for death as a temporary reprieve from the chaos of your life?

Just a few moments of rest in the whirlwind, but even that's a Catch 22. Staying busy is completely physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting, but moments of silence are too painful, too raw...too real.

If there was ever a day that would cause someone to start back smoking, today was that day. Everything going wrong, but not wrong enough to warrant an emotional breakdown. Feeling close to one, anyway, and not feeling like an explanation to anyone would make any kind of sense. Instead, I end up in my office, crying, alone, because I don't want to bring anyone else down into my dark place.

Feeling isolated is something I've struggled with for most of my life. I've kinda always felt like I never really fit anywhere I was or, to an extent, with the people who were there. (*Don't get me wrong...I do count myself as an exceptionally lucky person that I've been able to take the people who do accept me unconditionally from those places that at one point or another were pretty unbearable & still carry them with me in life after those places.*) In fact, when it's gotten really bad, I've run from every single one. High school to college, college to grad school, grad school to New York and New York to North Carolina. Here is the first place I've felt like I fit more often than not since we've been here. But here is not without those moments. There are days that I go into work, and most of the time, I like to be social with my co-workers who are also my friends, like most people there, but some days (like today) I just feel like I don't quite fit where I feel like I should. Days like today make me wonder if the reason I feel isolated is because of other people or because of me.

I want time off...I need time away from all the busyness of work life, but at the same time, I don't know that it's exactly a good thing for me to be alone with my thoughts, either. I need a vacation from my own life.

I would also like to apologize to several facebook friends who have sent messages over the past few weeks & months. Most of the time, I stay ridiculously busy, and when I'm not busy, I won't lie...I'm in a pretty dark place. I do, however, plan to respond to everyone's messages at some point...eventually.

Another blog to follow tomorrow...