Wow...after finishing the worst year I've ever had, what followed was the worst week I've had in about...7 months...
All I can hope that means is that getting a really frickin' bad week out of the way at the beginning of the year means one less bad week as the year continues, as a good friend of mine put it.
Monday & Tuesday were emotional days, anyway (thank you, Mother Nature), and it really started Tuesday afternoon. With some friends who started talking about a gathering we were all at the night before Will died, then moved on to talking about adorable babies they saw over the holidays. And I'm not mad they were talking about either one...I said when all this initially happened that I didn't want people to feel like they had to walk on eggshells around me or censor what they would normally say, and I meant that...it was just bad memories on top of bad timing.
Then Wednesday morning, in my first group, towards the end, I had a patient look in my direction & say (although I don't know if it was actually to me or a delusion), "Remember when you and me were together, and we had that beautiful family with that precious baby boy? What was his name again? I think his name was William..." I froze, compartmentalized & saved my reaction for later. Then dealt with another patient in the 2nd hour with lingering grief over the loss of their mother from when they were young.
Had a little mini-breakdown at lunchtime, then finished out my day...
Then Wednesday night, our Netflix movie for that day was Sicko, a Michael Moore film about the sad state of healthcare in America. After watching that & Capitalism: A Love Story, I'm pretty much completely disgusted with our government as a whole, but that's another blog entry. During Sicko, there was a woman who was interviewed. Several years back, her daughter had been born with some kind of health defect, and when her daughter was 18 months old, she stopped breathing. The mother called 911, and they rushed her daughter to the nearest hospital. The hospital called her insurance, and her insurance said they would not cover emergency room or ambulance costs since that hospital wasn't an "in network" hospital. The hospital wouldn't treat the woman's daughter, and she begged and pleaded with them until they finally arranged transportation for her daughter to the "in network" hospital. They arrived just in time for her daughter to go into cardiac arrest. She goes on to say that the EMT's worked on her daughter for 30 minutes before taking her into the back room and telling her that they were unable to revive her. She talks of how she went in the room where her daughter was and just held her and told her how sorry she was that she couldn't save her...and all of a sudden, I'm back in the emergency room at Frye Hospital, pacing and praying and begging and pleading with whatever Higher Power will listen, and I'm in the back room where they take the families and the loved ones who aren't so lucky, and I'm in the room where they worked on him, holding him and marveling at how cold & stiff his skin is...I probably should've turned the movie off, but it was like watching a car wreck happen...you just can't look away.
Thursday was my completely emotionally exhausted day, where I spent the morning exhausted & pretty bitchy to anyone who crossed my path, and that afternoon was probably the best part of my week. Then, Friday was the day that lots of things went wrong with groups and work in general.
Altogether, a week I was more than happy to see end...
And the part that upsets me the most is that work was supposed to be my save haven. After everything happened, and after I went back to work, it was almost like an escape. I mean, yes, of course, it all still weighed very heavy on my heart & on my mind. But, at work, I had to focus on other people, and although I allowed myself the moments of tears & deep breaths, work was the one place I was safe. It was the one place the grief wasn't supposed to come and hit me in the face.
But, it did...and I don't know, maybe in the grand scheme of things, it was a good thing that it did. I've definitely had a tendency to throw myself, my heart, my soul, into work these past 7 months, and maybe this was life's way of making me take a step back...life's way of not allowing me to try and hide so completely in my escape.
Either way, the rest of the year is gonna be better...right?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1/1/11
So, January 1, 2011...
The shortest and longest year of my life thus far. I have never been happier to see a year pass into a new one as I was to see 2010 change to 2011.
Almost every year, I try & post the events of the past year & the things I've learned, and this year is certainly no exception. But, in wanting to keep this as positive as possible, first I have to get all the (mostly) negative things out of the way.
So, in 2010, I saw:
*The event of my grandmother falling & fracturing her pelvis & knee and having to be put in a nursing home to be cared for afterwards
*The event of my mother falling off the retaining wall at my parents' house and landing on her head, having to be rushed to the hospital & having area(s) of bleeding on her brain
*The birth of Wilco (there's one of the non-negative things)
(Oh, and that was all within the span of the same week)
*Being diagnosed with a bladder/almost kidney infection 3 weeks after Wilco was born
*My seizure & subsequently being diagnosed with Epilepsy, NOS & having to start taking anti-seizure meds
*The death of Wilco
And all of that was in the span of 3 months...
It goes without saying that this has been the darkest, most horrific year I've EVER seen, but even as awful as it was, it wasn't without its own hope & silver lining & bright spots amidst the darkness.
Which brings me to everything I've learned this past year...
I've learned...
1. I don't always have to be the strong one, and when I'm not feeling particularly strong, there are people who love me who will support me to stand when I feel unable to do it by myself.
2. Zumba/working out is one of the best forms of therapy there is, and it's not an exaggeration to say that it helped save me these past 6 months.
3. It's okay to find things that are humorous & make you smile & make you laugh during times of tragedy.
4. I will never look at butterflies the same way.
5. I have the most amazing true friends in the world.
6. True friend love=rerouting an international trip & being willing to stay up & skype from across the world when needed when you have to be up in 4-5 hours.
7. I would not still be here (almost) 7 months later without y'all (y'all know who you are)
8. Support & understanding can come from the most unlikely of places
9. Even when people don't know what to say, just knowing that they're willing to listen & give you a hug makes a world of difference
10. You can learn something from everyone
11. Sometimes, it's people you would never expect who have the most profound, sincere things to say at just the right moment you needed to hear it
12. (I am still learning) It's okay to cry, and it doesn't make you weak when you do
13. Knowing who someone is isn't a prerequisite for caring about them and offering them support
14. Focusing on the people who have been the bright spots in the darkness, instead of the darkness itself, makes the year seem a lot lighter
15. I am loved, and I am cared for, and there are people who are as loyal to me as I am to them
16. Saying goodbye will never be easy, and it's the people you care the most about in life who are taken from you too soon.
17. No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.
18. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief, but there are people who will slow their lives down to help pick the pace of yours back up.
19. I am stronger than I ever dared to believe I could be.
20. This one is best told in the form of a story. A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with one of the people I work with. We were talking, and this person said the following thing to me: "I don't think God caused me to have a mental illness, but I do think He allowed it to happen. I don't know why, and I don't understand why He would do this, but I have to hold on to the hope that there's a bigger reason for it...that there's a grand purpose to me having a mental illness & going through what I'm going through. Maybe I'm gonna go on to use what I've been through and my story to inspire someone else, or maybe there's someone here I was supposed to meet who I wouldn't have met otherwise. I know that in the Bible, God tested Job by taking away all the things and people who were important to him, and Job still continued to find joy & praise God's name. So, I figure, if he can do it, I can, too. I really just continue to have faith that one day, I'll know the reason and have the answer for why all this happened."
It's amazing what kind of perspective you can find in your own life from what other people have to say about their lives. If someone who is going through the toughest time in their life can still have hope & a positive outlook, I can, too
After this past year, making New Year's resolutions for 2011 almost seems kind of trite and maybe even a little bit meaningless. So, I guess I have to say that my main one is to focus on whatever is in my control to make 2011 a HELL of a lot better than 2010 was. If I can achieve that by the time 2012 rolls around, I'll consider the year a success.
Here's to a Happy 2011, and dear God, may it be at least 10,000,000 times better than 2010 was!!!
<3 <3 <3 Peace & Love <3 <3 <3
The shortest and longest year of my life thus far. I have never been happier to see a year pass into a new one as I was to see 2010 change to 2011.
Almost every year, I try & post the events of the past year & the things I've learned, and this year is certainly no exception. But, in wanting to keep this as positive as possible, first I have to get all the (mostly) negative things out of the way.
So, in 2010, I saw:
*The event of my grandmother falling & fracturing her pelvis & knee and having to be put in a nursing home to be cared for afterwards
*The event of my mother falling off the retaining wall at my parents' house and landing on her head, having to be rushed to the hospital & having area(s) of bleeding on her brain
*The birth of Wilco (there's one of the non-negative things)
(Oh, and that was all within the span of the same week)
*Being diagnosed with a bladder/almost kidney infection 3 weeks after Wilco was born
*My seizure & subsequently being diagnosed with Epilepsy, NOS & having to start taking anti-seizure meds
*The death of Wilco
And all of that was in the span of 3 months...
It goes without saying that this has been the darkest, most horrific year I've EVER seen, but even as awful as it was, it wasn't without its own hope & silver lining & bright spots amidst the darkness.
Which brings me to everything I've learned this past year...
I've learned...
1. I don't always have to be the strong one, and when I'm not feeling particularly strong, there are people who love me who will support me to stand when I feel unable to do it by myself.
2. Zumba/working out is one of the best forms of therapy there is, and it's not an exaggeration to say that it helped save me these past 6 months.
3. It's okay to find things that are humorous & make you smile & make you laugh during times of tragedy.
4. I will never look at butterflies the same way.
5. I have the most amazing true friends in the world.
6. True friend love=rerouting an international trip & being willing to stay up & skype from across the world when needed when you have to be up in 4-5 hours.
7. I would not still be here (almost) 7 months later without y'all (y'all know who you are)
8. Support & understanding can come from the most unlikely of places
9. Even when people don't know what to say, just knowing that they're willing to listen & give you a hug makes a world of difference
10. You can learn something from everyone
11. Sometimes, it's people you would never expect who have the most profound, sincere things to say at just the right moment you needed to hear it
12. (I am still learning) It's okay to cry, and it doesn't make you weak when you do
13. Knowing who someone is isn't a prerequisite for caring about them and offering them support
14. Focusing on the people who have been the bright spots in the darkness, instead of the darkness itself, makes the year seem a lot lighter
15. I am loved, and I am cared for, and there are people who are as loyal to me as I am to them
16. Saying goodbye will never be easy, and it's the people you care the most about in life who are taken from you too soon.
17. No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.
18. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief, but there are people who will slow their lives down to help pick the pace of yours back up.
19. I am stronger than I ever dared to believe I could be.
20. This one is best told in the form of a story. A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with one of the people I work with. We were talking, and this person said the following thing to me: "I don't think God caused me to have a mental illness, but I do think He allowed it to happen. I don't know why, and I don't understand why He would do this, but I have to hold on to the hope that there's a bigger reason for it...that there's a grand purpose to me having a mental illness & going through what I'm going through. Maybe I'm gonna go on to use what I've been through and my story to inspire someone else, or maybe there's someone here I was supposed to meet who I wouldn't have met otherwise. I know that in the Bible, God tested Job by taking away all the things and people who were important to him, and Job still continued to find joy & praise God's name. So, I figure, if he can do it, I can, too. I really just continue to have faith that one day, I'll know the reason and have the answer for why all this happened."
It's amazing what kind of perspective you can find in your own life from what other people have to say about their lives. If someone who is going through the toughest time in their life can still have hope & a positive outlook, I can, too
After this past year, making New Year's resolutions for 2011 almost seems kind of trite and maybe even a little bit meaningless. So, I guess I have to say that my main one is to focus on whatever is in my control to make 2011 a HELL of a lot better than 2010 was. If I can achieve that by the time 2012 rolls around, I'll consider the year a success.
Here's to a Happy 2011, and dear God, may it be at least 10,000,000 times better than 2010 was!!!
<3 <3 <3 Peace & Love <3 <3 <3
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