So, earlier today, I had this whole angst-ridden, emotionally charged post writing itself in my head, but going to a beer tasting and spending some quality time with James makes it kinda difficult to hold on to the original feeling that was fueling this.
Then again, sometimes it's easier than I realize to get back there.
The part I hate the most about all of this are the moments and the days that just completely blindside you.
Every month, at least for the first year, I already know the 28th and the 4th after it will suck. Just a fact of life right now. Those I understand.
When women talk about their pregnancies or their babies or their children or about trying to have another child, of course that's immediately where my mind goes. Just another fact, and those I understand.
But, it's the moments you don't see coming. The dates that don't have any significance in the grand scheme of things, and the thoughts and memories that seem to come out of nowhere. Those are the ones that totally and completely kick my ass. Because, to me, there has a be a reason for things and what makes them happen, cause and effect...you can't have the effect without the cause.
It really would be so much easier if you could see those moments coming. If you could see the bad days, the hard moments, the tragedy, the heartache, because at least then, you'd have an opportunity to prepare yourself for it...put your crash helmet on.
Needless to say, today was one of those days. When I got to work this morning, I could already feel myself pulling away from the people I'm the closest to. At first, I wondered why I was doing that, and then I found the quote on my facebook page: "A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the fake smile."
Oh, yeah...that's why...
On days like this, I tend to go back and forth between 2 sides... I either want to be around other people as a distraction, or I want to be by myself. It's so much easier to try and hide the pain behind the fake smile to people who don't know you, but it's the people who really know you who will come up and question the pain behind your eyes. And, I don't kid myself...I know that as much as I would sometimes like to believe otherwise, I'm no mystery, and I kind of suck as an actress when I'm trying to hide my emotions. To those who know me, I'm pretty much an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
As much as days like this suck, though, on occasion, life sends a person (or people) who crosses your path and says just the right thing at just the right time.
*In updated life news, so far, it's been 4 days without a cigarette and 4 days that James has been home in the evenings. And no bloodshed or desires to kill anyone...yet...*
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
On Edge
And here's the unresolved anger part of grieving...
I feel like it's a constant day in and day out effort to not let my anger spill over onto unsuspecting people. Part of the book I just got finished reading (On Grief and Grieving) talks about being so emotionally overwhelmed and raw that your emotions start spilling over into other situations and interactions with people on a day-to-day basis. For the most part, I consider myself to be a person who has always kept most of my emotions in check. When something happens that upsets me, rather than go with my first knee-jerk reaction, I run through questions in my mind, i.e., is there something else that's coloring my reaction? Am I overly tired? Am I PMSing? Then if the answer to all of those is 'no,' I move forward with my rational anger at the situation/occurrence.
Admittedly, it's a little harder to do with this...
I picked up smoking (temporarily) again on the day that all of this happened. What was supposed to have lasted until I went back to work is now carrying over to a week from today. James has very graciously understood and allowed me to keep this vice until he switches to day shift. And, I have to say that in my worst moments, it helps take the edge off and makes me feel more in control of my emotions, or at least, where they're directed.
Yep, that's right...I said it...I'm smoking again.
Judge me for it...I dare you...
I went to counseling today, and it allowed me to give a voice and direction to my anger and everything I'm angry at and about, no matter how irrational it may be. Another thing she pointed out to me is that most people in my life represent the idea that life should be moving on by now, that we (I) should be doing better, that things should've started getting back to normal. The incredible group of supportive people who surround me, though, seem to understand that no matter how okay I may seem at times during the day, that I'm still allowed those low moments to express what I'm feeling or cry or scream or be by myself, whatever I need, no questions asked and no judgements cast. So, because I have support from awesome people, I have come to regard that as the norm, and the others as being insensitive, when really, the others are the norm, and the supportive people are the amazing and extraordinary.
I feel like it's a constant day in and day out effort to not let my anger spill over onto unsuspecting people. Part of the book I just got finished reading (On Grief and Grieving) talks about being so emotionally overwhelmed and raw that your emotions start spilling over into other situations and interactions with people on a day-to-day basis. For the most part, I consider myself to be a person who has always kept most of my emotions in check. When something happens that upsets me, rather than go with my first knee-jerk reaction, I run through questions in my mind, i.e., is there something else that's coloring my reaction? Am I overly tired? Am I PMSing? Then if the answer to all of those is 'no,' I move forward with my rational anger at the situation/occurrence.
Admittedly, it's a little harder to do with this...
I picked up smoking (temporarily) again on the day that all of this happened. What was supposed to have lasted until I went back to work is now carrying over to a week from today. James has very graciously understood and allowed me to keep this vice until he switches to day shift. And, I have to say that in my worst moments, it helps take the edge off and makes me feel more in control of my emotions, or at least, where they're directed.
Yep, that's right...I said it...I'm smoking again.
Judge me for it...I dare you...
I went to counseling today, and it allowed me to give a voice and direction to my anger and everything I'm angry at and about, no matter how irrational it may be. Another thing she pointed out to me is that most people in my life represent the idea that life should be moving on by now, that we (I) should be doing better, that things should've started getting back to normal. The incredible group of supportive people who surround me, though, seem to understand that no matter how okay I may seem at times during the day, that I'm still allowed those low moments to express what I'm feeling or cry or scream or be by myself, whatever I need, no questions asked and no judgements cast. So, because I have support from awesome people, I have come to regard that as the norm, and the others as being insensitive, when really, the others are the norm, and the supportive people are the amazing and extraordinary.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
From the most unlikely people and places
2 months tomorrow...and it falls on my birthday. For the first time in years, I dread my birthday. For the people who won't understand why my birthday is so hard to get through, and for the people who won't remember what the date signifies.
I know that, in reality, people can only handle and deal with emotionally what they can, but most of the time, it feels like the people I thought would be there and provide an unending wave of support are the same people who would rather avoid me. For many people, I feel like I'm something to be dealt with, something to fix, and right now, I can't be either. It's not healthy to hold back emotions, and I hold very much that the world would be a much happier and emotionally healthy place if we all allowed ourselves to feel what we're feeling in the moment, rather than pushing it back because it's too hard to deal with or even because we don't feel like we're in a place or around people with whom we can express those feelings.
Why are we so afraid of letting ourselves feel things? Even the negative things? Don't get me wrong, positivity and positive thinking are both good things, but as a former patient once pointed out to me, you have to be in a place where you're ready to start accepting those positive thoughts first. Otherwise, they're annoying and empty words and do you no good.
In this whole situation, there have been people who know me better than I know myself who will probably know and understand the smallest of triggers and the emotional chain of events that follows those, no matter when they happen. But I have to say that, here, there has been the most outpouring of love and support from people I didn't really even talk to all that much before this happened. They are the ones who understand that I and this can't be fixed. They are the ones who understand that the smallest of things can trigger me to go from happy and okay to sad to bitchy in a matter of moments. They are the ones who will allow me to cry and be mad and feel what I'm feeling without judgement and without trying to make me see "the bright side," whatever that may be in all of this. For those people, "Thank You," is not enough...
I know that, in reality, people can only handle and deal with emotionally what they can, but most of the time, it feels like the people I thought would be there and provide an unending wave of support are the same people who would rather avoid me. For many people, I feel like I'm something to be dealt with, something to fix, and right now, I can't be either. It's not healthy to hold back emotions, and I hold very much that the world would be a much happier and emotionally healthy place if we all allowed ourselves to feel what we're feeling in the moment, rather than pushing it back because it's too hard to deal with or even because we don't feel like we're in a place or around people with whom we can express those feelings.
Why are we so afraid of letting ourselves feel things? Even the negative things? Don't get me wrong, positivity and positive thinking are both good things, but as a former patient once pointed out to me, you have to be in a place where you're ready to start accepting those positive thoughts first. Otherwise, they're annoying and empty words and do you no good.
In this whole situation, there have been people who know me better than I know myself who will probably know and understand the smallest of triggers and the emotional chain of events that follows those, no matter when they happen. But I have to say that, here, there has been the most outpouring of love and support from people I didn't really even talk to all that much before this happened. They are the ones who understand that I and this can't be fixed. They are the ones who understand that the smallest of things can trigger me to go from happy and okay to sad to bitchy in a matter of moments. They are the ones who will allow me to cry and be mad and feel what I'm feeling without judgement and without trying to make me see "the bright side," whatever that may be in all of this. For those people, "Thank You," is not enough...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I Carry You
I carry you with me in my head...
Sometimes the thought of you feels like a dream
Sometimes it feels like this entire past year has been reset
Almost as if it never happened
As if I didn’t carry you for 8 months
As if I didn’t hold you for 10 weeks
And other times, the thought of you is so present,
There’s no way I can deny that you were real
That you’re still real, though not in the physical sense, here with us
I carry you with me in my heart...
A heart-shaped locket, close to my own heart,
Decorated with butterflies and your name engraved on the back
I wear it most hours of the day
During the hardest moments, I grasp it and kiss it
Like I used to kiss your tiny cheeks and forehead
I carry you with me in my memory...
Oh, how I want to both remember and forget all in the same breath!
Your whole life, short though it was, plays in my mind like a movie,
From the first moment they placed you on my chest, and you looked into my eyes,
And in one moment, I fell in love and was instantly wrapped around your tiny finger,
All the way through to that early nightmarish morning
As painful as it is, and to some extent, will always be,
You will live in my memory for the rest of my life.
I carry you with me in my head, my heart, my memory...forever...
You will always be a part of me, of us
You will never be forgotten
Our little butterfly baby
Our little angel
Gone from this world, but never from our hearts
William Coe Bagley
“Wilco”
3/28/10-6/4/10
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