6 months

In a few short hours, it will mark the 6 month date of when we lost Baby Will. My therapist told me a few visits ago that she had heard that it's something about the 6 month anniversary of a loss that seems to be the first hardest milestone to get through.

She wasn't lying...I've most definitely been bitchier this week, and it doesn't help that I'm PMSing, either.

One of mine & James' shows is Hell's Kitchen, comes on Wednesday nights. This past Wednesday night, it was at the end, and Chef Ramsay was getting ready to eliminate one of the final four. As it seemed he was getting ready to, he instead surprised the final four with family members and friends who were in town for a visit. The last family to come in was a husband with his infant son...maybe around 7-8 months or so...around the same age Will would be. I watched, and I just cried and cried and cried. Right now, thinking about all the women who had children within the same few months after Will was born is the hardest part. All the milestones they're getting to watch...rolling over, crawling, walking, first words...we never get to have those with him. We never get to have those with him, and it kills me to think about it.

My therapist told me at my last visit that she would identify the emotion that's at the forefront of my thinking to be jealousy. And, she's right...I would never ever wish this on anyone, but I am so beyond jealous about all the things that other mothers get to experience right now that I should be, and I'm not. And I hate it, and it's not fair, and there's nothing that can make it okay...and I think I hate that piece the most.


Did I mention that the PMS part REALLY doesn't help things?


I was sad earlier this evening because I tried earlier today to remember that feeling of holding him close and cuddling him while I sat on the couch after work, and I couldn't remember it. I couldn't recall that feeling. Now, as I sit here, that feeling almost suffocates me. And this certainly isn't how I'm doing most of the time, but tonight, it is. Tonight, my heart aches, and I miss my son.

Always & forever, baby boy...<3

Beliefs & letting go

Wow...it's been a while, eh?

So, October was SIDS awareness month, and October 15th was specifically the national day of recognition for pregnancy & infant loss. We went to a couple of candle-lighting ceremonies, and while I can appreciate the thought and the meaning behind them, it just didn't feel like it did the moment or the recognition justice.

At one of them, I listened to a woman who'd had an abortion when she was younger talk to another woman who'd lost her infant son about finding peace and forgiveness and just remembering that Christ was there to take all of us in his arms and hold us close and love us and bring us comfort.

Really??

Are you kidding me??

Don't get me wrong, I do consider myself a Christian, as devout as I've ever been. I still believe in God the Creator...I'm just not really on speaking terms with Him right now. Since we lost Baby Will, I've heard 2 different takes on the situation. I've heard people say that it was part of God's will, and I've heard people say it was an accident. I feel there are good and bad things about both.

On the side of it being part of God's will, the pro is that there is/was a larger purpose for it. There's a reason why it happened, and it was meant to be. The con side is what kind of a loving God would have that in His great plan? What kind of a loving God would deem it meant to be for parents to lose their child?

On the side of it being an accident & not part of God's great plan, the pro side is that it wasn't part of some greater plan, and it wasn't the work of a loving God. Of course, the con side of that is that if it wasn't part of a greater plan, what's the meaning behind it? Why did it happen?

Obviously, I'm still dealing with some anger issues...

I spoke to a close friend of mine this past weekend who's been a little MIA through this whole thing. Not to the point of not being supportive, but just having his own thing going on. He admitted, during our conversation, that one of the main reasons he'd been MIA is because he'd had no idea of what to say, any advice to give or any words of comfort to offer. And it made me think...those people who I feel haven't been supportive of all of this, the ones who seem to shy away from talking about it or mentioning it at all...maybe it's not that they don't care. Maybe it's because they were so terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, they just didn't say or do anything. And I get that, but getting that blurs the lines of where my anger is focused. It would be so much simpler to have been able to continue the separation in my mind of the people who were wonderful and supportive and the people who weren't. And without that, a place to focus my anger and feelings of betrayal kind of disappears. And I don't know that I'm ready for it to be gone yet.

I've started watching One Tree Hill lately, catching up from season 1. I'm a little bit in lust with Chad Michael Murray, and since his stint on Gilmore Girls was short-lived, I've moved on to his next show. At the end of season 2, there's a voiceover quote that says: "And Hansel said to Gretel: Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things. This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey...is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel...and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

I've been trying and trying and reaching to hold on to the person I was before all this happened...to not lose myself. But the reality is that I will never be that person again. Too much has happened, and I can't go back. It took me 28 years to get to the point where I was anywhere close to being comfortable in my own skin, being comfortable with who I am. And, now I feel like I have to get to know that person all over again. I feel like I spend so much time trying to take care of myself and focusing on myself that I don't really have the energy to focus on others and what's going on with them...at least, not the way I did before. But maybe that's what it's going to take, at least for a while, to become comfortable in my own skin and to know myself again.

Taking a Chance

I almost hesitate to write this, and if it wasn't for the need to get all of this out of my head and out in writing, whether that be actual or electronic writing, I probably wouldn't. I guess it all depends on who actually reads this, and I'm taking a chance on who does and who doesn't.

I learned back in college that it's not always the best idea to honestly express yourself through venues like blogs, facebook, livejournal, opendiary, etc. because nothing is private and almost nothing is truly anonymous online. I must admit, though, that as much as I detest confrontation, there's a part of me that wants the people this concerns to read it...almost...

At least I'll keep names out of this...

To you...it recently hit me where things started to separate where our friendship is concerned, or where I felt they started to separate. A few days, a week, 2 weeks after I came back to work, I received a text from you telling me that you were available to listen, but you were giving me my space. At the time, I respected that, and I understood, but that started to bother me in a way that I didn't have the words or explanations to express at the time. I understand that I'm not good at asking people for what I need. This situation has, unfortunately, not changed that. However, in understanding that about myself, the absolute last thing I ended up needing was space. All that did was make me feel even more alone and isolated than I already felt.

What I needed were the people who surrounded me with love and support, who said, “We don’t know what to do or what to say, but we can listen, and we can be there, and we can give you love, and we aren’t going to leave you feeling isolated and alone.” The sad part of this, of course, is that the damage has been done, and it can’t be undone, & it can’t be taken back. We’ll continue to speak and be polite, talk about shallow subjects, like work and the weather, but it’ll never again be like it was before all this happened.

And to you...yesterday morning, you came in and started to read the piece I had written with quotes from C.S. Lewis’s “A Grief Observed.” I cringed the whole time, because I feel that at some point, the elephant in the room will have to be addressed. I know that at some point, the fact that I spend more time with some people instead of others will come up. And, I know that when it does, I will have no choice but to tell you that the reason I’m with them so much is because they didn’t leave me feeling abandoned and isolated and left alone. Hell, at this point, I almost feel like saying the wrong thing would be preferable over saying nothing, preferable over overlooking it and wanting to deny or forget that it ever happened.

Halfway through reading, you turned, and I explained that I had written it right after everything happened and printed it out because I needed to remember, and because I felt it was one of the better pieces I had written. You read for a few more moments, then said, “I’m not in the right headspace for this right now," and walked away. The incredibly selfish, bitchy part of me wanted to look at you and say, “I wish it was that easy for me. 'I'm not in the right headspace for this right now, so I’ll just walk away'.” If I could take a picture of a moment that illustrates why I feel the way I've felt when I'm around you...or you...or you, it would be that moment.

The dust has begun to settle, and as it continues to, I don't know...I hate to be that person who writes people off as real friends because this wasn't in the realm of situations they were capable of handling...but what choice do I really have? Loyalty speaks volumes in my life. In my darkest moments, when I needed people to be there the most, I know who was there, who fell off along the way and who wasn't anywhere close to begin with.

Fixed

I feel like some of my days are almost bipolar in nature...extreme highs and lows...if the day sucks, there's a good chance the evening will be good. If the day's good, there's a good chance the evening will suck.

Today has been one of those days.

Had a conversation with a co-worker this morning about our department and the changes people are trying to bring about, and we touched on the topic of feeling appreciated. It is my deep seated belief that, while I don't think anyone in the department needs to be petted or praised constantly, per se, people who pour a lot of energy and heart and soul into their jobs need to have that energy replenished somehow. They have to know that what they're doing makes a difference, that they're appreciated. However, if the focus is on what's going wrong and what they're doing wrong without having anything positive to counterbalance that, what you end up having is a lot of bitter, resentful employees. And, I know that if any of us are coming to work expecting for...certain...other...disciplines or for upper management to understand or appreciate what we do, we're all going to leave disappointed and pissed off every single day. I really think we take for granted that everyone in our department knows that the other people appreciate them, supervisors included.

For me, the patients I work with are about 90% of why I haven't gone to another job. Today, I had one patient tell me that I was doing a great job, and he was glad I was working there. I could have cried, it touched my heart so much.

That...was the bright point of the day...

I really should've learned my lesson by now. Every situation like this, I walk out of pissed off at myself because I know better. I know there are people you can talk to who will genuinely listen, and I know there are people who will start off acting like they're listening to you, but then it either starts to turn to wanting to fix it or an entirely different focus than what the original topic was in the first place.

I am not in a good place...to the people who really know me and support me, there's no use in even trying to pretend I'm in a good place. I can say that, for the most part, I'm in a better place than I was 3 months ago, but it's still not a good place. I know this is a hard thing for other people to handle or for other people to know how to handle. I know that people who I used to be close friends with can't necessarily provide me with what I need right now. I also know that I don't have the strength or the energy to put into making things easier for other people. I can be selfish, just like everyone can, but I feel like I've spent a good portion of my life being the strong one and the listener and the supporter for other people. I've smiled, and I've been tolerant, and I've been patient, and I just don't have it in me to focus on being sensitive to how hard this is for everyone else.

I'm not unfixable, but this also isn't going to be anywhere close to a quick fix. All I really need, most of the time, is for someone to be willing to listen and tell me I'm not crazy for thinking what I'm thinking or feeling what I'm feeling*. Is that really such a hard thing to do?

*For everyone who already does this, I love you and thank you...you all are the reason that any part of my sanity is still intact.

Raw

Where do I even begin?

Went to therapy this week, told her about the day that both James and I had last week. She thought it was a big step and a necessary one on the road to healing and growing. I started telling her about this week...how a lot of nights, right before I go to bed, vivid memories of that night come to me, and in an effort to fight them back, I stay up later and try to think of more pleasant things because I sure as hell don't want that to be my last thought before going to sleep. She told me that it sounded like I was getting ready to enter the hardest stage of dealing with grief...the search for meaning and closure and being able to somewhat let go. She said that I had established healthy coping skills and a strong support system for getting through the initial part of the 5 stages, and I had been able to somewhat hold the memories, and the deeper feelings associated with those, at bay. But that now, the more I tried to fight them, the more they were going to break through and make it even harder and more painful to deal with. She suggested writing down all the details from that night, everything I remember, as a means to letting it go. Definitely not a bad idea.

I had a close friend take that one step further and say that not only did I need to write it down, but that I should be completely honest, no holds barred, and write it down with the intent for no one else to see it but me.

Real, true, raw honesty...

I'm not even sure I know what that looks like anymore.

Even here, where I feel is a safer place than, say, facebook or myspace or another more public site, to express what I'm feeling, I still couldn't honestly say that I let out everything I'm feeling on here. I type something, and I read it, and I think of all the people who are aware of this blog who might read it, and I either erase it, or I make it sound nicer and more diplomatic. Logic might tend to say that if I need a place to unleash my innermost thoughts, just make this private, but I don't think I can do that, either. I need feedback and validation from friends that, even though I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and on a train that's quickly leading to a mental and emotional breakdown, I'm not crazy for feeling what I'm feeling or thinking what I'm thinking.

And here comes the raw honesty part...

This friend also said that I needed to get to the point where I stopped viewing my reactions to feelings as being strong vs. weak. That I don't need to view crying and breaking down as being weak, that I was spending energy I don't have on trying to keep up a strong facade and that I need to just let that go.

But can I really do that?

As I've written in previous blogs, there are a few amazing people I work with who have been (and continue to be) supportive and encouraging and protective. For the most part, though, especially now that the initial part of everything has come and gone, I feel like I shouldn't break down...I shouldn't cry...or maybe that I just shouldn't let people see that. I feel, even moreso now, that for the majority of the people I work with, I have to keep that facade up. Because if I don't, they don't know what to do, how to fix it, how to make it better. They don't know how to deal with me. And I hate feeling like I'm something to be dealt with. I hate feeling like I, &/or what I'm going through is a burden to someone else. And I've seen it happen right in front of my eyes...someone stops by the office to ask me how I'm doing or how things are going, their eyes and face bright with positivity, and at first, I would answer honestly, thinking that since everything had happened, they wanted an honest answer. Then I started noticing that people's eyes and faces would just fall, and I refuse to be the downer for someone else's day. So, now it's just easier if I just smile a smile that never quite reaches my eyes and tell them I'm fine, doing okay, hanging in there, etc. It's not like I can just avoid these people, either. I don't really have a choice but to see them and interact with them on a daily basis. 


So, what do I do?


I can't really let the facade go, and I can't time the breakdowns I'm going to have with when I'm close enough to my office to dash in and allow the tears to fall. 


I need a solution...because holding everything in until I leave work to come home and crying my eyes out on the way home every day isn't it.

525,600 Minutes...

One year ago today, the pregnancy test turned positive, and our lives were turned upside down.

"In diapers, report cards, in spoked wheels, in speeding tickets, in contracts, dollars, in funerals, in births..525,600 minutes, how do YOU measure a year on Earth?"

A year ago...some days, it feels like it's flown by, and others, it feels like 10 years have passed in the span of 1.

Today started out tearful but ended up being SO much better than yesterday was. Amazing what can turn the day around to something more positive. In all honesty, the days leading up to significant dates are usually more emotionally taxing than the actual day itself.

Something else I struggle with (and struggled with long before all this ever happened) is being extremely hard on myself. I embody the phrase: "My own worst critic." When other people are upset and/or crying, I have no problem with that, but when it's myself, I view it as showing weakness. I feel weak and vulnerable when I cry, and because of that, there are actually very few people in this world who I let see that side of me. It starts off as something making me upset, then I go through the analysis of whether or not what happened warrants me really being upset. If it feels like something petty, I berate myself for getting upset in the first place, which only makes me more upset, and here starts the whole cycle again which becomes a downward spiral. These past 3 months have only brought that out more and more.

Some days I feel like I'm wallowing and having a pity party, and others, I feel like I'm not sad enough.

A beyond wonderful friend of mine suggested last night that rather than mark the significant dates as how many months it's been since his birth & death, instead look at it as "how far have I come in X number of months?" It's an excellent idea, and I think I'll start that this coming Saturday. For the rest of today, though, I think I'll allow myself to remember and be sad and remind myself that I don't always have to be the strong one.

Isolation

Have you ever wished for death as a temporary reprieve from the chaos of your life?

Just a few moments of rest in the whirlwind, but even that's a Catch 22. Staying busy is completely physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting, but moments of silence are too painful, too raw...too real.

If there was ever a day that would cause someone to start back smoking, today was that day. Everything going wrong, but not wrong enough to warrant an emotional breakdown. Feeling close to one, anyway, and not feeling like an explanation to anyone would make any kind of sense. Instead, I end up in my office, crying, alone, because I don't want to bring anyone else down into my dark place.

Feeling isolated is something I've struggled with for most of my life. I've kinda always felt like I never really fit anywhere I was or, to an extent, with the people who were there. (*Don't get me wrong...I do count myself as an exceptionally lucky person that I've been able to take the people who do accept me unconditionally from those places that at one point or another were pretty unbearable & still carry them with me in life after those places.*) In fact, when it's gotten really bad, I've run from every single one. High school to college, college to grad school, grad school to New York and New York to North Carolina. Here is the first place I've felt like I fit more often than not since we've been here. But here is not without those moments. There are days that I go into work, and most of the time, I like to be social with my co-workers who are also my friends, like most people there, but some days (like today) I just feel like I don't quite fit where I feel like I should. Days like today make me wonder if the reason I feel isolated is because of other people or because of me.

I want time off...I need time away from all the busyness of work life, but at the same time, I don't know that it's exactly a good thing for me to be alone with my thoughts, either. I need a vacation from my own life.

I would also like to apologize to several facebook friends who have sent messages over the past few weeks & months. Most of the time, I stay ridiculously busy, and when I'm not busy, I won't lie...I'm in a pretty dark place. I do, however, plan to respond to everyone's messages at some point...eventually.

Another blog to follow tomorrow...