What started out to be a blog about my journey through my 1st pregnancy has now turned into a blog about our journey through grief. Two months and 1 week after giving birth to a beautiful baby boy, he was taken from us in the early morning hours by SIDS.
The past almost 2 months have been an emotional roller coaster ride. Some okay moments followed by extreme lows. We've run the gamut of the grief stages and back again. Even now, almost 2 months later, there's some occasional denial that I was ever pregnant, much less had/have a beautiful son; some anger at God, at other people for seeming to not care what we're still going through, anger at ourselves that we didn't have the power to change what happened, even some irrational anger that so many other people have babies who have passed the main time frame for the most danger when it comes to SIDS; bargaining that with the next child we have, we'll be more focused on us and him/her than other people, we'll take more time, enjoy the process more, not get as upset or impatient when he/she cries, ask for more help...and the list goes on and on; depression over the silence that pervades our home where coos and grunts and cries used to be, over the fact that even though he lives on in our memory and our hearts, he isn't physically here to hold and hug and cuddle and kiss and watch; and even some acceptance mixed in with everything else, that maybe there was/is a bigger reason for all of this...maybe his soul wasn't ready yet, and he came too early, and about a million other maybes that give us some comfort and hope for the future.
In closing, this was the change of a lifetime...we are both forever changed by the small angel we were allowed to have and hold for a short time, and he will forever be a part of us.
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